Okay, I have less than 30 mins to my deadline to stop myself from wasting my time letting myself be as-not-okay-as-I-can-be. Promised myself that I can have a full TEN DAYS of my own ‘end-of-the-world’. So I’m not gonna stop myself from being irrational, and any self destructive attempts caused by my constant imagination out of expectation,regarding to my recent failure, again, in love.
So. How far, does ten days of total indulgence in self pitying, romantic fantasies and total drama exposures brings me to?
hmmm.. It started with 2 hours breakdown in public, 2 hours Karaoke, dragging my cousin to sleep with me as if even when I’m asleep, I feel lonely and ‘fragile’ (urhm.. okay I’m really very sorry for the drama, but hey, give me a break).
Next, Is waking up with a super bumpy eyes, pretending ‘all’s well’ end up losing myself, in front of my cousins who was supposed to look up to me, in a police station ( My aunt was stunned and worried that working overseas have drives me crazy. haha ). It’s okay for me actually to be ‘out of the box’ sometimes, but I almost caused my cousin trouble with my ignorant, and that’s, really. not. okay.
Giving up on holding on to myself, I might as well just confess, first to myself that I’m just : not, okay. Then I come to my brother. Its was like “bro, I’m brokenhearted” and he was like “ah.. already?” :’( Ending the day I went eat all my way downnnnn the road with my brother and cousin. I, who hates meats.. had a crocodile satay – my goodness. I don’t even remember how i fell a sleep that night, anyway I just did.
Continue on my blue days, I stayed home. Preventing to do anymore damage than I have ever made to people I care the most.
Spent 12 hours of lying on the bed, eating super chunky peanut butter, slacking in tears cleaning up everything in the fridge watching all the romantic comedy for the first six hour and then finish the marathon with a super dark action movies, like dark night, or 300. 12 hours of listening to emo songs, playing back memories, walking home, thinking ‘maybe…?’ end up sitting down my own tower, alone, till suddenly it hits me the my work’s waiting for me the next day, went up to sleep, yet stayed up through the night just trying to breath in and out as if your throat just shrink with your lungs stuck in your intestine.
2 and a half day down. 7 and a half to go.
96 hours of working days, passed quite easy since work helped me push most of the other stuff away, so all I did is just to wake up as soon as I can, bath and walk go work, take the longest way to reach the office, let the work help me run the clock.
So basically i just spend hours and hours trying to get used to things that used to be my daily routines which felt different from the moment I wake up, till the last step i took to the front door of my room. It’s like this question “was it always been like this before?” kept popping behind your head. Then I noted, that this is how it feels to let a person come in and walk out of your life.
Anyway, all I have to do I keep sketching, keep drawing, in the toilet, on my way back, and train. Anything that can kept my mind out of it. The rest of the night, it’s just the same ‘breathing ritual’. Just that as time past.. the reality sink in. I learnt to to let myself follow my heart and not holding it back as before. So when my heart’s still imagining stuff and keep the hope there, I went to prove myself, whether it would or wouldn’t happen. I’ll definitely cut me off from those ‘what if..’
It does hurts as the fact slap you hard on your face. but when it sink in.. you are closer to accepting it. I can feel part of me is emptied, kinda numb, but eventually I get better.
My last 3 and a half day, went quite well.
No more hard breathing at night, no more heart pumping anticipating any familiar faces to pop when I walked through the garden and halls, no more waiting down the house for miracle to happen. Less checking on my phone, staring blank waiting for phone call or texts.
Instead, I got myself tidied up, meet my friends and spend quality time. I even find the strength to face my biggest fear, the source of my ‘misery’. Here’s a quick tip for you who’d hide from best friend when you’re broken, cos you’re afraid to breakdown and drag them to your so called ‘misery’. You can try by being honest at the first place. Instead of acting strong and swell, you might wanna try tell them that you’re not okay, but you’ll be. That helped me to have a real quality time with my best friend rather than wasting it forcing myself pretending to have fun in pain. Denial, doesn’t really work from my experience. Acceptance works, every time.
My last 30 hours, I spent with great music. Bombarded my facebook walls with song in big lyrics that actually meant more to myself rather than to anyone, “my letter to juliette” and to the subject of my affection (oh well.. I dun have much time left, what to do 
) . Joined every activities I cud and even initiates one to stop myself bouncing back and forth the past. Get myself all tired up, and close my eyes to sleep.
Yesterday morning, I wake up feeling not sure if I can really cut these craps of me ASAP, but as soon as my phone rang, and my mom’s familiar warm voice crack me up with her laugh.. I felt much much stronger. ‘I need to do this’ I said to myself.
So I wash my face.. cleaned up, run all the errand I had on my list one by one, went on a movie marathon. I have to say I dun really enjoyed them as much as I used to. I got lucky the movies are good. Seems like I have some adjustment in life that I’d have to Re – get used to – again. and all I need for that, is time.
It’s true that its uncomfortable to get ur life stirred up in a mess, but I’m reall gratefull it happened. cos I know I learnt a lot cleaning up my own mess. I know one day I’ll bring those joy back to life, and hopefully by that time I’d become better since I’ve passed another lesson of life, that money cant buy 
There! I’m at he end of my paranoia. This much time is all I can afford to let myself to be not okay. The rest of it, I need to really make a good use of it as we’ll never knows when our clock stops to tick.
I used to run and re-run all the drama above five years, alone. Random waking up crying nights,flipping through facebook pictures and news from my past, fantasizing how my past will come to me, in every beautiful way. I loved everything I ‘used’ to be, and I can’t say I fond the life I had these past few years.
But this is the truth: I was wrong. I was so so wrong. That’s not, how life works. Life, as time leads the way, will only move forth never backward. People make mistakes, big deal. It doesn’t stop the world from turning, sun rises sun down, the world with everything in it is changing every second. I got lucky even though I’m stuck in reverse, but I met all the great people I need. So I learned from them, I grow, even though I have problem with living what I’ve learned.
I have all the time and chance in my hand to make it better than ever. I really do. But I didn’t. Instead I used up all the time trying to analyse how bad this all is compared to what I used to have. So now that I found the truth I’ve been hiding from myself, It’d really suck to not do something about it.
My last movie today, is the epic LION KING. It brought me back the magical trouble free philosophy ‘hakuna matata’- no worries for the rest of your day – and as Rafiki said “ Oh yes, the past can hurt. But the from way I see it, you can either run from it, or… learn from it.”
Guess all I wanted to say, is ‘It’s okay, thats life.’ no matter how long, how hurtful, how hard it is, 5 years, ten days, eventually everything will pass and you’ll realize sooner or later that ‘the past’ is just a term. It can’t haunt or tie you down, what could hold you up, is only you and your mind. And since we can NEVER go back and live our past, It can only be right for us to take what we have right now at the moment to grace and make the best out of it.
1.13am 8th of November 2011. I’m 24 yrs old, Single – brokenhearted, and I haven’t really quite figured out what my life’d be for the next 10 years ahead, My career’s not any close to success, but I’m glad I’m finally back to what I really loved and passionate to do after 2 years of ‘traveling’. My photo skills still sucks, My visual fails me, still tries too hard most of the time, but hey.. I manage to cheers some people with my illustration! (well, practice really makes perfect ;> )
Also this marked my 2 years and 25 days of BLOGGING!! teehee~ Can you imagine two years ago I couldn’t even think I can ever keep it up… *sob*
owh~well.. nothing special with the number combination of 08.11.11 but I do want to take to day to celebrate, for I’ve founded another secret I wasn’t supposed to hide, from myself. And cheers to a better you and me !
Here’s One republic’s – Good life , it never fail to make me smile in my darkest day, who ever read this. I wish a good good life ahead!!
Love,
KJ
