PREPARE-TWIRL

First IF post for 2012!

Can’t believe i spent almost 3 hrs sketching the twirling ice ! was referring to an image online from my screen and gosh it was hard for me |*o*|

finally i got it out~ my beluved bamboo finally breath its last breath last week.. |; _ ;|

but the mighty mouse’s always by my side

oh well! looking forward to keep myself consistent improving details,

finding a comfortable position in style this year.. hope you guys like it!

(cutting down write ups as I plan to push more on visual this year )

hug~

KJ

Fuah.. I had such a long break wrapping up 2011 towards 2012..

am still moving my to do list here and there, (as you guys can see.. time passes me by SOOOOO FAST it’s end of Jan :0 )

Answering my resolution and preparing to check the to do lists with my own-pace-own-way nature is a CHALLENGE (yeap, it’s a BIG one)

Here’s the 12 weeks marathon of IF as new year greeting before catching up to a new start that I’ve been working on Dec to Jan

Week 1&2

Fuel_Scary： 你有我， 我有你。我们为彼此加油打气。 永远不害怕哭泣。

Week 3&4

Silent_Stripe： "knowing time and color wont last forever.. she silently hide behind the container"

Week 5&6

Vanity-Round: "No matter how old we're grown up to be. I'll always captured by its vanity. as it cheer me up when down, the all mighty merry-go-round"

Week 7&8

Brigade-Separate: "To separate the world from hate, they form a brigade to act. so when the world goes all pitch dark and black, there'll be rainbow to lead you back"

Week 9&10

Sink_Messenger : "No need no ink or messenger, to spread the word through out the world. All we need is you and me, to believe that its never arbitrary"

Week 11&12

Highlight_Grounded: "With the flying hearts and a highlighter, I'll spread the love to tinniest place ever. You could never bring me down, or kept me right back to the ground"

more catching up coming!

including my new 2012 posting schedule also my alter ego and information for some changes on my online accounts’ artworks

and *shy grin* I know it’s late.. but STILL! I’d like to wish you guys a very Happy belated chinese new year guys!!

I love you all~

hugs

KJ

十二点五十一

挂在墙上叹气的，

旧冷气机

寂寞少女的呼吸，

多了几声深叹气

安静夜晚，

跑车声

伴奏心智无形的战争

夜夜深思，夜夜深

着感觉，

还真不陌生。。

单身，恋爱，

都无奈。。

不容多余的，

期待

期待就会受伤害

不如。。把梦，

拆下来

左边，

期待拆一拆

右边，

希望放下来

上面，

幻想擦一擦

下面，

渴望抹一抹

关看人生的喜怒无常

少女微笑着欣赏。。

至少现在的自己

不在寻找着，

回忆

学会在必要时期

给自己一个，

假期

让自己陪陪自己

抬头仰望深呼吸：）

小绿豆

IT’S DECEMBUUUUH GUYS!!!

My blog’s snowing again! heehee~ As you guys have notice, I’ve been cutting down online posts and social media updates till the end of the year.. no special reason just busy adjusting some changes in life, both works and personal. This’ll be my second last post of this year before my end year greeting (wrapping up this year’s IF posts with final 8 linked week themes)

I’ve plans that need to be slowly done through all  my accounts online hopefully after the holiday it’ll all be done. Starting from weaving in the categories here in my blog that’ve been made but wasn’t feed past few year, the drop box! I’ve TONS of lists written – my online posting schedule, new year resolution. Will also refresh my alter ego’s icons as they will be leading different account later on – oh i’m getting lil too excited

Enough murmuring! I hope everyone’s having a good time indulging yourself with holiday mood

-TWO WEEKS TO CHRISTMAS AND ITS JUST 23 MORE DAYS TO NEW YEAR EVE!!-

sending out my SUPER BIG HUGS and love to each and every of you from my teeny tiny seat here~

merry christmas guys! may all the world turns better each and every second passed because each and everything you do!

KJ

when you’re tired with your mind, just draw

KJ

It’s time for a quick updates since I’ve been away from Internet live. A lot happened this month, and here’s my top three:

~ getting attached ~

I’ve been thinking to made a post just for this since the news of me getting attached concerned my closest friends, most of them worried, all of them are SHOCKED (haha) probably cause I’ve been super careful and anal in this for so long ( romance has always been the one thing I couldn’t handle without going all ‘ drama ‘, create massive mess of things, hurting each and every one people I don’t want to hurt most. ) The idea of getting attached with this very same guy I was having a paranoia after such long series of confusing encounters, just make them worry if i have lost my mind in cause of over loaded twisted thoughts. (Well, I’ll have a series of my own ‘ twilight ‘ stories if I were to tell you on how life and love confuses me in every way and how I confuses life back, together with people around me – ha ha – It’d be longer than my Harry Potter collection, only same illogical but not as magical )

All I can say, is at the moment, I feel grateful to finally stop living in the past, constantly worrying what disaster would I face in the future, and I have my boyfriend to thank for that. He kept me busy with all the things before and after we got together, bringing me back to live at the moment, offering simple happiness to share, loving me and make it look so easy, even when everything seems to fall apart.

I honestly don’t know if this happiness is here to stay, as fragile as human heart can be, anytime anything in life with time might take it away.. but even for a skeptic and a pessimist like me, there’s always a space to believe in love.

So this is something I’ve been rushing these past few days cutting his calls short, it’s our initials in our favorite colors sketched on one of my paranoia days.. for our 13th day together

~ 11.11~

Adding into my list of month with most best friend’s birthdays April, May, August, October, is the sweet NOVEMBER. I got at least 5 in each of those month and this year, I meet new bunch of great people born through out the month. It’s such a coincidence that 2 pairs of my friend share the same initials! isn’t it something fun to remember?

shout out to Kenny ko~ happy birthday cous2!! thanks for lending me your favorite guitar..

(promise I’ll at least master C, D, G and E!! )

~trip.ing~

Early this month, I went back jakarta for my friend’s wedding. I spend most of my time with my childhood friends also my college years classmates, last but not least my favorite lecturer who have guided and inspired me to who I am today. It’s always my happiest moments meeting them back there, catching up, sharing stupid jokes. Back then laughing and crying together seems so natural that was one of the best part of my life. It’s good enough to make me smile whenever I’m struggling working out here. I pathetically clinging on it to fill in the emptiness whenever it came to me these few years.

There’s a chinese proverb saying wherever you tripped and tumble, that’s where you should pick yourself up. This trip for me, works that way.

I revisited everything I left and cling onto before, stood by and faced a love thought I would never let go, I come face to face with myself and my memories, all my expectations, found big part of me have  stayed there never moved exactly at where I left it. Then suddenly I see,  everything, everyone, have changed, they either moved, evolved, or gone.

So what actually am I holding onto? I smiled. Silly me. I’m holding to something ‘once there’, stuck in reverse. Hence, I find a reason to move on, since I dun have any to hold on. The trip saved me from tripping on my past. And as my plane took off… I felt part of me was back with me, I feel complete.

KJ

It’s one of my visual diarrhea when I questioned what is love, and the sentence ‘I love you’ means, if two people who were in it, trusted themselves more than each other

KJ

So. How far, does ten days of total indulgence in self pitying, romantic fantasies and total drama exposures brings me to?

hmmm.. It started with 2 hours breakdown in public, 2 hours Karaoke, dragging my cousin to sleep with me as if even when I’m asleep, I feel lonely and ‘fragile’ (urhm.. okay I’m really very sorry for the drama, but hey, give me a break).

Next, Is waking up with a super bumpy eyes, pretending ‘all’s well’ end up losing myself, in front of my cousins who was supposed to look up to me, in a police station ( My aunt was stunned and worried that working overseas have drives me crazy. haha ). It’s okay for me actually to be ‘out of the box’ sometimes, but I almost caused my cousin trouble with my ignorant, and that’s, really. not. okay.

Giving up on holding on to myself, I might as well just confess, first to myself that I’m just : not, okay. Then I come to my brother. Its was like “bro, I’m brokenhearted” and he was like “ah.. already?” :’( Ending the day I went eat all my way downnnnn the road with my brother and cousin. I, who hates meats.. had a crocodile satay – my goodness. I don’t even remember how i fell a sleep that night, anyway I just did.

Continue on my blue days, I stayed home. Preventing to do anymore damage than I have ever made to people I care the most.

Spent 12 hours of lying on the bed, eating super chunky peanut butter, slacking in tears cleaning up everything in the fridge watching all the romantic comedy  for the first six hour and then finish the marathon with a super dark action movies, like dark night, or 300. 12 hours of listening to emo songs, playing back memories, walking home, thinking ‘maybe…?’ end up sitting down my own tower, alone, till suddenly it hits me the my work’s waiting for me the next day, went up to sleep, yet stayed up through the night just trying to breath in and out as if your throat just shrink with your lungs stuck in your intestine.

2 and a half day down. 7 and a half to go.

96 hours of working days, passed quite easy since work helped me push most of the other stuff away, so all I did is just to wake up as soon as I can, bath and walk go work, take the longest way to reach the office, let the work help me run the clock.

So basically i just spend hours and hours trying to get used to things that used to be my daily routines which felt different from the moment I wake up, till the last step i took to the front door of my room. It’s like this question “was it always been like this before?” kept popping behind your head. Then I noted, that this is how it feels to let a person come in and walk out of your life.

Anyway, all I have to do I keep sketching, keep drawing, in the toilet, on my way back, and train. Anything that can kept my mind out of it. The rest of the night, it’s just the same ‘breathing ritual’. Just that as time past.. the reality sink in. I learnt to to let myself follow my heart and not holding it back as before. So when my heart’s still imagining stuff and keep the hope there, I went to prove myself, whether it would or wouldn’t happen. I’ll definitely cut me off from those ‘what if..’

It does hurts as the fact slap you hard on your face. but when it sink in.. you are closer to accepting it. I can feel part of me is emptied, kinda numb, but eventually I get better.

My last 3 and a half day, went quite well.

No more hard breathing at night, no more heart pumping anticipating any familiar faces to pop when I walked through the garden and halls, no more waiting down the house for miracle to happen. Less checking on my phone, staring blank waiting for phone call or texts.

Instead, I got myself tidied up, meet my friends and spend quality time. I even find the strength to face my biggest fear, the source of my ‘misery’. Here’s a quick tip for you who’d hide from best friend when you’re broken, cos you’re afraid to breakdown and drag them to your so called ‘misery’. You can try by being honest at the first place. Instead of acting strong and swell, you might wanna try tell them that you’re not okay, but you’ll be. That helped me to have a real quality time with my best friend rather than wasting it forcing myself pretending to have fun in pain. Denial, doesn’t really work from my experience. Acceptance works, every time.

My last 30 hours, I spent with great music. Bombarded my facebook walls with song in big lyrics that actually meant more to myself rather than to anyone, “my letter to juliette” and to the subject of my affection (oh well.. I dun have much time left, what to do ) . Joined every activities I cud and even initiates one to stop myself bouncing back and forth the past. Get myself all tired up, and close my eyes to sleep.

Yesterday morning, I wake up feeling not sure if I can really cut these craps of me ASAP, but as soon as my phone rang, and my mom’s familiar warm voice crack me up with her laugh.. I felt much much stronger. ‘I need to do this’ I said to myself.

So I wash my face.. cleaned up, run all the errand I had on my list one by one, went on a movie marathon. I have to say I dun really enjoyed them as much as I used to. I got lucky the movies are good. Seems like I have some adjustment in life that I’d have to Re – get used to – again. and all I need for that, is time.

It’s true that its uncomfortable to get ur life stirred up in a mess, but I’m reall gratefull it happened. cos I know I learnt a lot cleaning up my own mess. I know one day I’ll bring those joy back to life, and hopefully by that time I’d become better since I’ve passed another lesson of life, that money cant buy

There! I’m at he end of my paranoia. This much time is all I can afford to let myself to be not okay. The rest of it, I need to really make a good use of it as we’ll never knows when our clock stops to tick.

I used to run and re-run all the drama above five years, alone. Random waking up crying nights,flipping through facebook pictures and news from my past, fantasizing how my past will come to me, in every beautiful way. I loved everything I ‘used’ to be, and I can’t say I fond the life I had these past few years.

But this is the truth: I was wrong. I was so so wrong.  That’s not, how life works. Life, as time leads the way, will only move forth never backward. People make mistakes, big deal. It doesn’t stop the world from turning, sun rises sun down, the world  with everything in it is changing every second. I got lucky even though I’m stuck in reverse, but I met all the great people I need. So I learned from them, I grow, even though I have problem with living what I’ve learned.

I have all the time and chance in my hand to make it better than ever. I really do. But I didn’t. Instead I used up all the time trying to analyse how bad this all is compared to what I used to have. So now that I found the truth I’ve been hiding from myself, It’d really suck to not do something about it.

My last movie today, is the epic LION KING. It brought me back the magical trouble free philosophy ‘hakuna matata’- no worries for the rest of your day – and as Rafiki said “ Oh yes, the past can hurt. But the from way I see it, you can either run from it, or… learn from it.”

Guess all I wanted to say, is ‘It’s okay, thats life.’ no matter how long, how hurtful, how hard it is, 5 years, ten days, eventually everything will pass and you’ll realize sooner or later that ‘the past’ is just a term. It can’t haunt or tie you down, what could hold you up, is only you and your mind. And since we can NEVER go back and live our past, It can only be right for us to take what we have right now at the moment to grace and make the best out of it.

1.13am 8th of November 2011. I’m 24 yrs old, Single – brokenhearted, and I haven’t really quite figured out what my life’d be for the next 10 years ahead, My career’s not any close to success, but I’m glad I’m finally back to what I really loved and passionate to do after 2 years of ‘traveling’. My photo skills still sucks, My visual fails me, still tries too hard most of the time, but hey.. I manage to cheers some people with my illustration! (well, practice really makes perfect ;> )

Also this marked my 2 years and 25 days of BLOGGING!! teehee~ Can you imagine two years ago I couldn’t even think I can ever keep it up… *sob* 

owh~well.. nothing special with the number combination of 08.11.11 but I do want to take to day to celebrate, for I’ve founded another secret I wasn’t supposed to hide, from myself. And cheers to a better you and me !

Here’s One republic’s – Good life , it never fail to make me smile in my darkest day, who ever read this. I wish a good good life ahead!!

Love,

KJ

Thats, the first word I heard  waking me up this morning. It’s my mom, calling saying nothing much important, no special good or bad news, she just call to say ‘hi’. It always happen whenever she heard I’m sad or down (most probably from random sources )

Not once she asked, is it true or not that I’m in trouble, or what happen and how i felt. She just call, and tell me whats in front of her, what she ate, how’re my health, did I eat and sleep well, complain about my dad a bit, then we just laugh to random stuff people might not find its funny at all.

She never say but I always know, she wants me to never feel alone. I might never say, but I’m sure she knows. She’s the reason why I’m moving on.

KJ

The movie teaches me how great faith and love can turn every ordinary person, become an inspiration to another. I touches you in every emotional level (especially if you’re a woman with only one actual level to break ) I can feel the whole theatre are holding their feelings with me to remind ourselves we’re not ‘exactly’ there with the characters. It was such a good feeling when the movie ends and we applaud for it, together

Everybody have a Skeeter in themselves, they just need to believe, and be brave to let it out (well it’s getting harder and harder as the world gets older)

And although what Aibileen and Minnie encounter, might not be happening to everybody in the world, at least it doesn’t to me so I can only feel the wrench, than totally relate… but they sure show me what’s the meaning of true freedom and victory in life

so cheers, to the amazing writer  Tate Taylor (for screen play and also the director), Kathryn Stockett (for original novel)

KJ